When you own a 108-year-old house, there is always something needing to be fixed, painted, tweaked, etcetera. Thankfully, since I’ve owned my home I’ve been able to do a lot of that myself. I’ve painted every single room in the house (you may remember my last painting escapade). I have had central air and heat installed (including ductwork) – a necessity where I live. I have added floor-to-ceiling bookshelves in my dining room, also a necessity as my poor books were shoved under beds, in cabinets, and in boxes tucked away in closets.
However, ever since I moved in, I have really really wanted to paint the exterior of the house. It’s butter yellow, and while I don’t have anything against the color, I grew up in two different yellow houses and am SICK of it. If you own a home, though, you understand nothing is ever simple….as Goofy so brilliantly shows in this video “How to Hook Up Your Home Theater:
1. You’ve had a color in mind for ages; in fact, it’s another house in your neighborhood. Knock on said neighbor’s door. Try to convince him you aren’t selling something or trying to convert him to your religion.
2. Go to City Hall to get your color approved as you live in a historic neighborhood. Pay 20 bucks for the honor of having someone tell you the color you chose is “appropriate.” Walk away with a Certificate of Appropriateness.
3. Go to Home Depot, where you are informed said paint sample isn’t large enough. Mentally yell at woman behind paint counter.
4. Go back to house in Step One, where the sweet lady of the house (with a newborn and 2-year-old in tow) allows you to get said paint out of the garage and dip the stirring stick in for a larger sample.
5. Get home and realize paint is wrong color.
6. Buy five samples of paint from Lowe’s, trying to match house from Step One. Apply to siding. Stare at siding and get several other opinions. Choose top color. [See photo below]
8. Pull into driveway, walk up to front door and HATE color. It’s too dark. It’s hunter green (my least favorite color) and NOTHING like the house which you have in mind.Â Get several opinions and a strong drink.
9. Go back to Lowe’s toting 5 gallons of bad paint and ask if they will attempt to lighten it or add some blue. They will not (insert curse word of choice here). Buy three more samples. Drive home. Apply to house. Call in reserves (mom and sister). They agree none of the three is right.
10. Drive back to Lowe’s. Get four more paint samples. Drive home. Apply to house. None is right. [Drink more heavily.]
11. Drive back to house in Step One but cannot bear to ask for more help. Perform covert op during which you bring paint cards up to house on side and find peeling paint behind AC unit. Take chip of crumbling paint. Vow to return and dab matching paint in said area.
12. Go back to Lowe’s where they will match a small area of paint. Get sample. Paint on outside of house. Listen to Dad repeatedly refer to your sweet little house as the “crack house” – mentally punch him in the stomach. 🙂
13. Bingo. Drink in celebration. House has noww thritteen diffrnt colors [hiccup], including that damn yellow.
And there you have it. Adventures in homeownership? More like missteps in homeownership. If you see a crazed girl at your local hardware store, picking up dozens of paint cards, comparing them to a picture on a phone, and muttering, take pity. For my sake.
jenn aka the very very ridiculously picky girl